Sunday, August 14, 2011

Don't Hate the Player, Hate Me

What if you love the game, does it mean that you have to love the player too? Board games just got a new level of sexual tension
All the world's a stage, and we are only players, or playa' haters. I am fortunate to be in the players category (just look at my wardrobe and you will see that I am not joking). I am a fly girl and I need me some fly guys to keep step with this bitch. In this scenario, I am what I am referring to as “this bitch.” I think of myself in a flattering light, clearly.

Why am I bring this up? Am I bragging about my playin'? Don't worry, I'm not. It ain't braggin' if it's the truth. Also, I wanted to clear up some unsavory rumors about myself that I am some kind of slut lady. Whore rumors never taste good to anyone. Sorry, I meant whore bloomers.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Looking for Gloves in All the Wrong Places, Looking for Gloves (Repeat 20 times)

An actor representation of what I look like in church.

I lost my favorite proper white church gloves. The same gloves that I use to handle my raw chicken. If the gloves are white, you can see the diseases on them. I heard that from a doctor. A Witch doctor, so you can trust that. Since I been using those gloves, I have only gotten the chicken sickness 10 times. Pretty good for a period of 2 months!

When I went to take the chicken out of the oven, the white gloves got stuck in the oven wormhole. I have lost many things in that wormhole, especially worms.

felt so attached to those gloves and now I will have to search for a new pair. I hope that there is a reality show I can go on where I will find the perfect white gloves for me. Maybe the show's title will be: Looking for Gloves: Whites Only.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Running Out of Steam

Getting to Jesus is just like this. But with a lot more dump trucks.

My car ran out of fuel on the freeway today. But I learned something very important today; the world seems to define “car” very differently from me. But it's okay! I wish people could just learn to accept to others for who they are.

It turns out that some people define my car as a small child's rocket. You may have been worried about me being on the freeway in a small child's rocket. I really do appreciate your concern. It's good to know that someone out there cares about me besides Jorge. Because Jorge seems to be distant lately. He keeps talking about how he will have to leave the U.S.A. very soon in order to avoid “execution.” I think he means extradition! He did commit a lot of crimes against humanity in his homeland! Memories...

Anywho, there is no need to be concerned about me on the freeway because I was on what I define as a freeway, not how the world defines it. So, my freeway is the road to Jesus Christ. Why do I define freeway in this matter? Because a lot of people are trying to get to Jesus Christ, some are speeding, some are going too slow, and some are getting in fatal car accidents but we will all get to him someday. Unless we get in a fatal car accident. So don't die in a car accident on the freeway. You will never get to Jesus.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

First World Problems

Makes a nice bubble bath and a mean spaghetti.

I read something about Gwyneth Paltrow saying that one of the items that she can't live without is a bathtub in her bedroom. People are saying that this is somehow ridiculous for a young lady as Mistress Paltrow to saw that a bathtub in a bedroom is a necessity.

Well, I must stand up for her and as a fellow rich person, I can be in agreeability with her. I need the bathtub in my bedroom. I could not live without it. I could also not live without the fridge and sink. Well, technically the sink and bathtub (and stove for that matter) are all the same thing. Yay for studio apartments!

Party Boots

This should be an advertising campaign. Steel-toed boots: Keep the party going, all night long.

I needed to buy some steel-toed boots recently. I was going to a rough part of town where there were many places that had some glass and tacks and push-pins on the ground. Like there was a quilting convention nearby that left a dirty mess in its wake and I needed to go downtown and see the disaster that had resulted from the quilting frenzy.

When I bought the boots, they were surprisingly expensive. Like more than you would think, which is what I mean by surprising. Something that is surprising is something that is not what you would have expected. Therefore this adjective applies to the price of these boots.

I went to a party in these boots after I went to see the quilting disaster. The party was good expect that it took place at a jewelry store at 2 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. I didn't know anyone at the party. There were two nervous looking young men who kept looking at engagement rings. Also, there was an elderly man with his young blond daughter, who was wearing a red bra-style shirt. They clearly had a strained relationship because he kept asking her what she was going to do for him if he bought her jewelry. Come On! This is a party. You are killing the atmosphere! Be in a party mood like me, with steel-toed boots.

Monday, August 8, 2011

An Excursion Excursion

The best way to win something? Just take it!

I got a Ford Excursion yesterday. Why, you are probably not asking? It was sitting in front of an ATM with the keys in the ignition and I though,t as any local woman says to herself in this situation, “Price is Right this bitch and come on down and get yourself a free car!” So, with my best Bob Barker impression I announced to everyone that the Price was Right and I skipped over to the car and rode away into the sunrise.

My eyes hurt for a little while because the sun was looking right into my eyes. I have to stop letting the sun trick me like that. That's how it gave me that weird mole. It ate all of my turnips but none of my rats. Sun Lee, my Korean landlord that sold me the weird mole for $459, you tricked me good! But I will never be tricked again. Unless it is by Criss Angel and the trick is that I get to lick the insoles of his feet.

Back to the Excursion. I needed to pick up my dry-cleaning before the store closed at 5. When all these cops kept trying to pull me over (don't they know that stop lights are not rules but only GUIDELINES. Please get a brain), I just ignored them and drove my great new car. After about 3 hours (my dry-cleaners are in Grand Rapids, a full day's drive! Glad I have a comfortable car now!), they shot out my tires. I am in jail now. But yay! Free wifi!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

What Came First: the Cheese or the Cheeseburger?

MeatBurger, kind of. If you consider ground up horse hooves meat.

The eternal question. Truly. But whatever, no reason to ponder a question that no one can answer. So instead I will think about cheeseburgers instead. That's what I usually think about when I have a difficult question that I am thinking over. Like does God really exist? Or when does the McRib come back? But why bother? Cheeseburgers!

I ordered a portobello mushroom burger but guess what? It wasn't even a meatburger. It was a vegetable made burger. Yuck city! Population: Portobello mushroom burgers and Shirley MacLaine.

I once before was disappointed with a non-meatburger. It turns out he was a she. Worst 2 dollars I ever spent.