Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Conversations with Women*

Minutes before calling her therapist

I had a conversation today. To make this a little bit more interesting, I'm not going to give you any background information about this conversation. Good luck and god speed.

Me: Man, this chicken is delicious

Person, Animal, or other (for example: Pop Star Ke$ha fits into this category): I'm not interested in your opinion

Me: Oh, okay. I'm very sorry if I offended you. I don't know how I should make up for this. Is there a present I should give you that conforms with your cultural traditions? Maybe a wallet or a baby horse?

Person, Animal, or other (for example: former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich): No, there is no way you can make up for this, I will have to shun you forever.

Me: Really, but we've become so close since you were last elected. Can I at least have my stuff back?

Person, Animal, or other (for example: The Loch ness Monster): No, I will keep them as a matter of pride. Like the excellent American film about domestic unrest during the Reagan presidency, Sixteen Candles, I want to keep your underwear to show it to people so that they will think that I had sex with you.

Me: But why? We never slept together. And those underwear are so soiled and smelly, why would you want to keep them?

Person, Animal, or other (for example: morning television personality, Kathy Lee Gifford): I want your mother to think that we slept together, than I will shame you just as you have shamed me with your chicken question. I think the odor will be good to catch stray dogs.

Me: Well, I guess it would be cheaper than having to buy them from the pound. But promise me one thing: don't harm those dogs. They have fragile self-esteem as it is and making them dress up as chunky firemen will be emotionally damaging for them.

Person, Animal, or other (for example: idiot, Glenn Beck): You will control me no longer! (runs away)

Me: President Bush, come back! You forgot your knitted cap! Your soft spot will get cold!

*This is not a conversation between women.

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