Friday, July 15, 2011

Rebecca Black: Commie Hater?

Rebecca Black fearful of the Red Menace (not her period)
I was on Youtube searching for things, like a normal person (see Mom, there's no reason to feed me anti-psychotic drugs secretly hidden in Havarti cheese). I found a video called “Friday” by a charming young lass named Rebecca Black. No only was the video of the highest standards of quality, it was lyrically complex and hauntingly beautiful. 

As I analyzed the lyrics (as I do with all YouTube videos. Yeah, I'm talking to you Katy Perry!), I realized something disturbing. Rebecca Black is extremely frightened of Communists, even more than my Dog, Mr. Gorbachev or anyone that has met Jorge.

Let me explain. Here is a sampling of the suspicious lyrical stylings of the 13-year old Miss Black (I changed the font to convey a serious tone): 

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's RUSSIAN
Gotta get down to the bus stop

See the extreme paranoia in the lyrics?!? Should I say Rebecca Black or Rebecca McCarthy, like Jenny McCarthy, who does not like Communists? She is in such a rush to eat her precious cereal because she is fearful of the Russians coming to get her. Classic Cold War paranoia about the expansionism of communism. Two “-isms” in one sentence. I bet DeVry University is totally kicking themselves for denying me admission. I am not “mentally deficient,” as the Jackholes at DeVry said but mentally AFFICIENT. 

Let this be a warning to all of the YouTubians: not all is as it appears. Watch out, Lady Gaga might be trying to convince you to buy a blue wig. Go with your gut. Buy the green one.

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